The Ties That Blind
“The eyes are useless when the mind is blind.” ~ Mark Venturini
I recently had a revelatory discussion with a family member. She expressed her regret for reaching back into her past…after putting in the work to change her life for the better…to pull forward people from her past who she met when she was broken. Unfortunately, the individuals she pulled back into her life were still in the same place mentally & emotionally. Being emotionally tied to them because of their history limited her ability to see they were still stuck in the same place. Being in different places mentally caused a disconnect, and after a multitude of disagreements they chose to part ways for good. This led me to analyze some of my past relationships.
“The fear of vulnerability leads to emotional unavailability.” ~ Unknown
What sparked this conversation was me stating my preference for new energy in my romantic life. When we have a history with someone it can sometimes be difficult to walk away from them. Even if the history is mostly bad. I will admit I’ve attempted to do the same thing as my family member with people from my past. It’s common for people to develop attachments to unhealthy situations. There are women who unbeknownst to them were emotional crutches for me as I transitioned from the wheelchair of my broken mental state. At the time, I really felt like I wanted to be with them. I went all out to gain their attention. But I knew deep down it wasn’t going anywhere. When I was emotionally unavailable I wasn’t really interested in developing a deep connection. Chasing what I knew I couldn’t have felt safe. If one of them would‘ve called my bluff and said “Okay…I’m yours. You got me.” …I would’ve been terrified! The issues arose later when I attempted to interact with them from a healed place and they were still functioning the same as always. Once I healed out of my brokenness feeling confident enough to be vulnerable again…our surface level interactions were no longer enough. The supply of validation I provided their egos was enough for them. They valued my attention over developing a real connection. My belief is they were emotionally unavailable & broken as well, so their behavior made sense. I wanted to help them heal, but you can’t help someone who sees no problem with the way they operate. They expected me to continue to function within the parameters they set. In situations like this, they’re more interested in control than connection. And they’ll use certain tactics in an effort to retain control of the situation and you. When you no longer play their game, they assign themselves the role of the victim to avoid accountability. That’s one of the many pitfalls that result from kissing someone’s behind. When you choose to no longer participate…you’re labeled as the one with the attitude problem. In their eyes you changed.
“We can be blind to the obvious, and we are also blind to our blindness.” ~ Daniel Kahneman
This is what makes inviting in new energy so appealing. There’s no history to contend with. You’re working from a blank canvas. There’s no lingering resentment as a result of apologies unspoken. Your mind is free to be. When the canvas is already distorted…attempting to connect with someone who refuses to compromise is an exercise in futility. There are times when a clean slate will be exactly what the doctor ordered. Disconnecting from the ties that blind can be painful. But being able to explore potential new ties without the mental & emotional baggage from the past will be more than worth it.
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